Friday, November 20, 2009

Wow....what a week. HSG on Monday, which showed more scar tissue - how lovely. Tuesday was spent in a funk because of the HSG results...I got wrapped up in having to have MORE surgery and all the crap that's associated with it and it got me down. Wednesday was a little better, but still was trying to deal with all the questions/decisions that are yet to come about surgery/recovery/TTC/pregnancy. Of course, the first big question I had to answer was if I was even going to have the surgery. Mike actually made the comment that he would respect my decision if I didn't have it...but on the other hand, not having it means I have no more kids (the scar tissue is causing the miscarriages, so no point in trying again if it's there). When I think about that, then the answer is, here I come! I'm not going to let the inconvenience (because that's really what it is) of having the surgery keep me from having more children. So yesterday when we met with Dr. Muasher about the HSG and our next step, he recommended the surgery like we thought he would, and it was scheduled before lunch for early next month. He did give a little bit of good news which is that he'll probably not have me go back for another HSG afterwards (one less procedure for me - woo-hoo!), and that he recommends and is willing to help us with an IUI to actually get pregnant, which is something Mike and I talked about and were kind of hoping for since that's what worked for having Zen.

Speaking of Zen, my poor baby girl got pink eye this week. So yeah, add that on top of all my crap, and it's been a pretty tough week. But she's doing better with the meds, and I'm feeling better about the fertility stuff, so all in all we're OK. Now I just need to get back into my routines of taking care of the house (I've been keeping up OK, but not as much as I'd like to), and I REALLY need to get back on FM and TMN more. I've been a slacker on both and it's not good that I do that...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

T minus 1 day and counting...

So tomorrow is the day for my HSG. Obviously kind of nervous about it, since the results have a pretty HUGE impact on my life. Best scenario: things look fine/normal (or, as normal as they can be for me) and we proceed with trying to get pregnant. Worst scenario: there's been more damage to my uterus from the c-section delivery of Zen and the 2 miscarriages since then, and the doc thinks the risks of trying to conceive/carry full-term are too high and advises us not to bother. Yeah...that's a lot.

Then, no matter which hand we get dealt, there will be the aftermath of questions/decisions to make......

If we can try to get pregnant, do we try on our own or will he recommend we have a fertility treatment so we can increase the chances first time and not mess around trying on our own? Then when we do get pregnant, the question will be which doctor we see? I know I want a perinatolgist, so the decision is whether we go north and see someone in NOVA/DC, or south and see someone in Richmond. Right now I'll lean towards North since that will make it easier for Mike to be there - either way I'm driving at least an hour and will need someone to watch Zen, so for me there is no real difference as long as the doctors are good. Also, going North will allow me to use the Hematologist I had before since he's up in Fairfax...but he kinda irritated me before with the refusal to give me the blood thinners I need until I see an OB when he told us before he would give them no questions asked. So we may be shopping for a new one of those as well...oh joy. And of couse we may still need a regular OB/Gyn, and since Mike isn't too happy with my current one, we may be shopping yet again for another one of those. Woo-hoo.

If we can't/shouldn't get pregnant again, the question becomes what do we do? Adopt? Surrogacy? Stop while we're ahead and be happy with just 1 child? The problem with the first two is $$$ - both options can be rediculously expensive. But I'll admit I know little about either one, so I probably shouldn't be turning them down or saying good/bad about them until I know more. The one thing I am sure of is that going down that road will be hard at first. Hearing that my dream of having more children, or knowing that my experience with Zen will be my ONLY experience in having a baby will be a tough one to adjust to.

Anyway. Today will be a good day...spending time with Mike and Zen...maybe going to buy a fish! I'm going to try and talk Mike into going to BodyFlow with me this afternoon, and then dinner with Alicia and Patrick. A great way to end the weekend!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Needing Serenity...

Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.


This prayer is going to be what I need over the next week. I have an HSG next Monday to see what kind of shape my uterus is in, which will tell us what our options are as far as trying for baby #2. Best case: everything's fine, and we go ahead and start trying. Worst case: things look bad, doctor feels it would be too risky to try and fix it and/or try for another baby due to complications I may have during pregnancy, and the dream of a large family (or even another baby) is lost. As I try not to dwell on that, since as a BFF told me "Worrying is like a rocking chair - you go back and forth and back and forth and it doesn't get you anywhere", I'm focusing on things I have control me house. :)

I'm feeling good about the house today. I'm feeling good in general today. I prayed last night, not the Serenity Prayer since I couldn't remember the whole thing, but prayed for peace in my life and for those who are suffering, for the strength to do the things I need to do, for the understanding to accept those things I can't control or change and know that those things are just God's will, and for help to trust in Him during this time and always so that I can live the life he wants me to live. That last part is always something I've asked for...I hope I do.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

And it begins...

It's been suggested to me by one of my BFFs that I start journaling. The first thought that came to my mind was blogging...essentially the same thing, but it's electronically instead of on paper. So here I go. I'm not sure how I'll do, seeing as I started a blog for my family about a year ago and didn't do too well with it. But I figure, what the hell...I'll give it another shot.

The reason for this blog/journal is pretty simple - I've been finding myself a little overwhelmed as of late with things going on in my small little part of the world. I'm now the mother of a toddler, which (as all mothers know) is a new chapter of parenting when compared to being the mother of a newborn/"baby". I've started feeling like I've been neglecting my responsibilities as a housewife lately, and it really botheres me since that's half of my "job" these days. And, probably the biggest thing, Mike and I have decided to start trying to have another baby. Given my past history in that department, it's not going to be as easy as most people have it, and a lot of the things I "write" here will probably be about that. When you add to all of that my responsibilities as Site Admin for my mom's group, volunteering for The Mommies Network, going to the gym 4-5 days a week, and making time for playdates for Zen (and myself!), and you can see why I feel a little overwhelmed!

Most people that I've talked to or mentioned all of this to have said that I'm over-reacting or being too hard on myself about the housework stuff. And another thing they're probably all thinking but not saying is, "If you feel you have too much going on, then stop doing some of it!" The thing is, I don't want to (and in some cases can't) stop doing any of it. These things are what makes my life's what makes me happy (when it's all running smoothly, that is). I just need to find a balance with all of it. I've started taking steps this week to try and do that, and I'm feeling a little better about the house. The next few days will proove if I'm really making progress, though, since I've had a lot of time in my house yesterday and today without Zen, which makes it MUCH easier to do anything!

The "baby" thing will be the tough part. But since my daughter has decided she's played by herself enough, I'll have to cover that topic another time! :)