Taking a new BIG step!

So I've made the decision to become a consultant for Tastefully Simple! I love the products, love to cook, and think I can be pretty successful with it. Time will tell if the money will come in like I hope it will, but I'll never know what it can be if I don't take the first step! Mike isn't 100% behind the idea, but we talked last night and I think he understands this is something I need to try. He's concerned about the time management part of it (which is a valid concern because that isn't necessarily a strong point of mine) and worried that it'll 'take over' things like Zen and the house and the gym (again, a valid concern to have since I started my Mary Kay business that way). But I've learned my lessons based on those past mistakes and the only way to proove it to him is to go do this and not make those mistakes again. :)

On a side note, my parents had a hearing yesterday about the PFA order my Mom took out. According to her, the whole thing went very smoothly (the lawyers talked it all out and no one had to testify). The only change that was made is that my brother can now be a third-party between them so that Mom can start getting things to Daddy for the business, and for Daddy to give her anything at the house that she may need. Mom sounds like she's doing well, and is taking things a day at a time and working out her steps for where she goes from here. I need to call Daddy at some point today and check in on him. My brother probably won't talk to me since he hung up on me last week (I'm not driving up to see my Mom like he thinks I need to), but I should make sure my sister is updated on things from yesterday (she's apparently still not talking to my Mom, but that's for the 2 of them to figure out).

So, that's my update for today. Continued prayers for my family would be appreciated, and if you could add one for me as I take my new steps I'd really appreciate that as well! :)

A new reality

My life took a turn for change on Friday: my parents are seperated. Technically, my Mom moved out and left my Dad. And to make things even more surreal, she left and filed a "Protection From Abuse" or PFA order against him.

Both of my parents have a temper. My mom's comes out when she's overly stressed or is really anxious about things (at those times little things that make her mad make her lose it). My dad's will come out after he's been dealing with things for a long time...a LONG time. He keeps his anger/frustration inside until it pretty much explodes out of him. Needless to say, neither one is a pretty site.

But I guess after 34 years, my mom decided she had enough. Both of them told me at different times that one of the reasons they've stayed together all this time was for us kids. Now that the 3 of us are all on our own, Mom figured she didn't need to stay anymore. Why she felt the need to leave this way, only she knows for certain. The rest of us are left to wonder why, and deal with the aftermath.

I talked to both of them today. Mom is still stressed about a number of things but is somewhere she feels safe and is doing as well as can be expected. Daddy is hurt, shocked, but overall OK. My sister is pretty POd at my Mom, so there's going to be some work needed on that relationship. My brother is inadvertently getting pulled into the whole mess by my Dad because he really has no one else to help him right now (and considering my brother lives next door to him and works for/with him, I can't say I'm surprised). Me? I'm still trying to believe this is all really happening. Worried about how this whole thing is going to play out and how nasty it's going to get (praying to God that it doesn't, of course). I'm trying to be there for both of them...helping them both when and how I can without being in the middle. I just want both of them to get through this and move on with their lives. There's no reconciliation happening - I knew that the minute I heard about the whole thing. I just really want them both to be happy. One more thing to add to my prayers....

Rough day (days)...

Not sure why, but the past couple days have been rough. Even Mike noticed I was off last night (I bit the poor guy's head off just because he mentioned it was hot in the house last night). It's been a pretty easy-going week for me - not a lot going on, was able to get some things done in the house and stay on top of others. Zen has been extra fussy the past few days, but I'm blaming allergies and teething for that. I just keep having this uneasy feeling that I'm pregnant. Uneasy because if I am, I should have stayed on the one medication I stopped 2 weeks ago and at that time should have started a new and even more important one. Over the past few days 'the girls' have been sore again, and today I could only eat half of my oatmeal before it became VERY unappealing and my appetite just died. I also got into a funk over the past couple days. Hormones, maybe? I'm half way through my cycle so it could just be ovulation, but my body normally never has these reactions or symptoms to that. I'm thinking a trip to the store this morning for some pee sticks is needed, but then there's the feeling that if it's negative (again...) then it's just a waste of money and one more thing to be bummed about.

So, take all that and add to it that we're trying to get our financials in better shape (i.e. get spending under control) so we can get some things paid off before baby #2 shows up, but not forgetting that if we go through fertility treatments again next month it's another $2500+ that we'd have to put on a card since we don't have that in cash... Yeah, it's kinda hard to be positive and happy right now...

It's been awhile...

...since I posted last, but I'll be the first to admit I'm not real good at this anyway. Life has been a whirlwind as always the past few months...raising Zen, managing my home and family, taking care of myself, plus a family vacay to Vegas for Leanna's wedding. And that's just since February.

Going back to when I posted last, I had another hysteroscopy for my Asherman's Syndrome in December, which was pretty successful. We took a few months to let my cycles get back to normal and make sure things were "working correctly", and had our first Ovulation Induction/IUI treatment in March. I was so confident it was going to work: the timing was right, my body was in the best shape it could be, I responded very well to the drugs and Mike had a great sample to use...I even had the early symptoms of pregnancy (mainly the 'girls' were full/sensitive/sore a lot). But every test I took (and I took like 5 of them) were negative. I just couldn't believe it. Luckily the tests were during the week of Zen's birthday, so I had something to distract me, but after the party, it hit me pretty hard. I had been so sure that it was going to work that the fact it didn't was just too much to handle. I was doubting a lot, questioning a lot, all the normal responses. But I just kept reminding myself that I gave this part of my life to God awhile ago, and I just need to keep doing that. He obviously has a plan and answers prayers (the curly blond beside me is proof of that), so I just need to keep living my best life possible and wait for when HE says the timing is right. It's not easy, that's for sure, but it's all I can do.

Wow....what a week. HSG on Monday, which showed more scar tissue - how lovely. Tuesday was spent in a funk because of the HSG results...I got wrapped up in having to have MORE surgery and all the crap that's associated with it and it got me down. Wednesday was a little better, but still was trying to deal with all the questions/decisions that are yet to come about surgery/recovery/TTC/pregnancy. Of course, the first big question I had to answer was if I was even going to have the surgery. Mike actually made the comment that he would respect my decision if I didn't have it...but on the other hand, not having it means I have no more kids (the scar tissue is causing the miscarriages, so no point in trying again if it's there). When I think about that, then the answer is obvious...surgery, here I come! I'm not going to let the inconvenience (because that's really what it is) of having the surgery keep me from having more children. So yesterday when we met with Dr. Muasher about the HSG and our next step, he recommended the surgery like we thought he would, and it was scheduled before lunch for early next month. He did give a little bit of good news which is that he'll probably not have me go back for another HSG afterwards (one less procedure for me - woo-hoo!), and that he recommends and is willing to help us with an IUI to actually get pregnant, which is something Mike and I talked about and were kind of hoping for since that's what worked for having Zen.

Speaking of Zen, my poor baby girl got pink eye this week. So yeah, add that on top of all my crap, and it's been a pretty tough week. But she's doing better with the meds, and I'm feeling better about the fertility stuff, so all in all we're OK. Now I just need to get back into my routines of taking care of the house (I've been keeping up OK, but not as much as I'd like to), and I REALLY need to get back on FM and TMN more. I've been a slacker on both and it's not good that I do that...

T minus 1 day and counting...

So tomorrow is the day for my HSG. Obviously kind of nervous about it, since the results have a pretty HUGE impact on my life. Best scenario: things look fine/normal (or, as normal as they can be for me) and we proceed with trying to get pregnant. Worst scenario: there's been more damage to my uterus from the c-section delivery of Zen and the 2 miscarriages since then, and the doc thinks the risks of trying to conceive/carry full-term are too high and advises us not to bother. Yeah...that's a lot.

Then, no matter which hand we get dealt, there will be the aftermath of questions/decisions to make......

If we can try to get pregnant, do we try on our own or will he recommend we have a fertility treatment so we can increase the chances first time and not mess around trying on our own? Then when we do get pregnant, the question will be which doctor we see? I know I want a perinatolgist, so the decision is whether we go north and see someone in NOVA/DC, or south and see someone in Richmond. Right now I'll lean towards North since that will make it easier for Mike to be there - either way I'm driving at least an hour and will need someone to watch Zen, so for me there is no real difference as long as the doctors are good. Also, going North will allow me to use the Hematologist I had before since he's up in Fairfax...but he kinda irritated me before with the refusal to give me the blood thinners I need until I see an OB when he told us before he would give them no questions asked. So we may be shopping for a new one of those as well...oh joy. And of couse we may still need a regular OB/Gyn, and since Mike isn't too happy with my current one, we may be shopping yet again for another one of those. Woo-hoo.

If we can't/shouldn't get pregnant again, the question becomes what do we do? Adopt? Surrogacy? Stop while we're ahead and be happy with just 1 child? The problem with the first two is $$$ - both options can be rediculously expensive. But I'll admit I know little about either one, so I probably shouldn't be turning them down or saying good/bad about them until I know more. The one thing I am sure of is that going down that road will be hard at first. Hearing that my dream of having more children, or knowing that my experience with Zen will be my ONLY experience in having a baby will be a tough one to adjust to.

Anyway. Today will be a good day...spending time with Mike and Zen...maybe going to buy a fish! I'm going to try and talk Mike into going to BodyFlow with me this afternoon, and then dinner with Alicia and Patrick. A great way to end the weekend!

Needing Serenity...

Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.


This prayer is going to be what I need over the next week. I have an HSG next Monday to see what kind of shape my uterus is in, which will tell us what our options are as far as trying for baby #2. Best case: everything's fine, and we go ahead and start trying. Worst case: things look bad, doctor feels it would be too risky to try and fix it and/or try for another baby due to complications I may have during pregnancy, and the dream of a large family (or even another baby) is lost. As I try not to dwell on that, since as a BFF told me "Worrying is like a rocking chair - you go back and forth and back and forth and it doesn't get you anywhere", I'm focusing on things I have control over...like me house. :)

I'm feeling good about the house today. I'm feeling good in general today. I prayed last night, not the Serenity Prayer since I couldn't remember the whole thing, but prayed for peace in my life and for those who are suffering, for the strength to do the things I need to do, for the understanding to accept those things I can't control or change and know that those things are just God's will, and for help to trust in Him during this time and always so that I can live the life he wants me to live. That last part is always something I've asked for...I hope I do.

And it begins...

It's been suggested to me by one of my BFFs that I start journaling. The first thought that came to my mind was blogging...essentially the same thing, but it's electronically instead of on paper. So here I go. I'm not sure how I'll do, seeing as I started a blog for my family about a year ago and didn't do too well with it. But I figure, what the hell...I'll give it another shot.

The reason for this blog/journal is pretty simple - I've been finding myself a little overwhelmed as of late with things going on in my small little part of the world. I'm now the mother of a toddler, which (as all mothers know) is a new chapter of parenting when compared to being the mother of a newborn/"baby". I've started feeling like I've been neglecting my responsibilities as a housewife lately, and it really botheres me since that's half of my "job" these days. And, probably the biggest thing, Mike and I have decided to start trying to have another baby. Given my past history in that department, it's not going to be as easy as most people have it, and a lot of the things I "write" here will probably be about that. When you add to all of that my responsibilities as Site Admin for my mom's group, volunteering for The Mommies Network, going to the gym 4-5 days a week, and making time for playdates for Zen (and myself!), and you can see why I feel a little overwhelmed!

Most people that I've talked to or mentioned all of this to have said that I'm over-reacting or being too hard on myself about the housework stuff. And another thing they're probably all thinking but not saying is, "If you feel you have too much going on, then stop doing some of it!" The thing is, I don't want to (and in some cases can't) stop doing any of it. These things are what makes my life whole...it's what makes me happy (when it's all running smoothly, that is). I just need to find a balance with all of it. I've started taking steps this week to try and do that, and I'm feeling a little better about the house. The next few days will proove if I'm really making progress, though, since I've had a lot of time in my house yesterday and today without Zen, which makes it MUCH easier to do anything!

The "baby" thing will be the tough part. But since my daughter has decided she's played by herself enough, I'll have to cover that topic another time! :)